Dear Eric: We have a neighbor a few doors up who hates us. We don’t really know why, but he doesn’t want us to walk on “his” sidewalk. He considers that harassment by us – just us. We walk up and down the street for our health and pass his house six to 12 times a day. If he sees us through his window, or one of the more than 12 cameras on his house or next to the sidewalk (so he can eavesdrop), he runs out and turns on his sprinkler so that it sprays across the sidewalk, over his cars, and into the street.
The police and a lawyer told us to walk on the other side of the street. We are in our 70s and I am unsteady on my feet, and the other side has more tripping hazards. I also meet up with cats on my side who wait to be petted, and I don’t want them running into the street to see me on the other side.
It is not legal to water beyond the lawn and illegal to block passage on the sidewalk, but no one will stop him. He did take us to court in 2022 to stop us, but the judge told him that we have every right to walk by as many times as we want to. Lot of good that did. We heard from the police that he’s preparing to try again. What can we do?
– Walking Seniors
Dear Seniors: Why won’t the authorities step in here? You’re already in contact with the police about this. Ask them about the possibility of a restraining order against him. It’s perplexing that their response is to warn you about an upcoming lawsuit instead of stepping in to quell a potentially dangerous on-going dispute.
The priority is your protection. If they won’t do it, you have to protect yourself. Now, you may have the legal standing, as well as the common sense standing here, but this person has already escalated his attacks on you and it’s likely that continuing to push this issue will put you in danger. Stay away from him. I know this is not fair; I know this affects your quality of life. But he has real problems and it’s best to do everything you can to keep him out of your orbit.
Is it possible to walk one block over or take a ride to a nearby park? Can you walk to his house and turn around? Yes, you should be able to walk on your own street, obviously, but this is a person whose aggressive antisocial tendencies are huge warning signs. Better to be inconvenienced than harmed.
Dear Eric: My sister won’t come home for the holidays. She’s not estranged from me or our parents. But she moved across the country about 15 years ago, started a family and seemingly never looked back. We’re not close but we’re not distant, if that makes sense. I asked her one time, two years ago, to come home for a holiday with her wife and kids. And she did. It was fine, but she got annoyed with our parents and then I got annoyed with her. One of her kid’s diabetes was all out of whack. It was a lot. She was there for all of 24 hours.
But I still want her around. She’s my sister. We’re both in our 40s and life is changing for all of us. Our parents won’t be here forever. And I’d like to be closer to her kids. Am I putting too much on this relationship? Are holidays really that important?
– Distant Relative
Dear Relative: Holidays, in and of themselves, are just days. We imbue them with meaning, emotional, spiritual, cosmic, what have you. Any day can be imbued with special meaning and family traditions.
So, ask yourself what you want your holidays to mean. And then have a conversation with your sister (and eventually your whole family) about those wants, their wants and how those things can be accomplished. Be open to possibly hearing that what she needs right now isn’t something the family can fully provide.
The “why don’t you come home at the holidays?” conversation can open up a big can of worms in any family. That’s fine for unpacking at some point but may pull you off task if you lead with it. Instead, start with what you’ve already expressed: you want to see her; you want to be in a better relationship with her kids; you’re thinking a lot about how life is changing for everyone. And you’re looking for a way to address it.
You don’t have to have the answers, or even suggestions. But starting the conversation and taking away the immediate pressure of making the holidays the solution, can open up new possibilities.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)