Dear Eric: I completed a yoga teacher training (YTT), which I only shared with family. During the YTT, the studio posted pics on social media, and I was in one pic.
Within hours, Sue, a coworker, sent me a screenshot of the post and asked if it was me. I confirmed. Thereafter, Sue began frantically texting me about how she wanted to attend a YTT and told people at work teaching yoga was her passion. Granted, Sue neither practiced yoga regularly nor mentioned ever wanting to attend a YTT in the 10-plus years we’ve worked together.
Within weeks, Sue signed up for the next YTT at the same studio I obtained my certification.There’s a ton of yoga studios in town. Sue now works at the same studio as I do, and she completed a similar training I completed shortly after I completed it with the same vendor.
Sue stalks my social media page and questions me about my teaching schedule, collaborations, associations and inflates our friendship status behind my back when she meets people in the movement community.
I’ve been intentionally avoiding Sue’s calls/texts and at work. Yoga is my refugee, and I needed something separate from work.
How do I tell Sue to find her own life path and seek her own opportunities instead of copying me?
– No-go Yoga
Dear Yoga: Sue’s intensity makes me really curious about how she runs her classes. But, as with any yoga practice, or position, intensity is sometimes in the eye (or body) of the beholder. It’s possible she’s misjudging how she’s coming across to you. No harm in that, per se, but it does require a resetting of boundaries.
She might see you as a friend, or even a friend-tor (a friend/mentor hybrid). It can be awkward to correct that misconception, but it’s necessary.
Come from a place of what you need, rather than focusing on what she’s doing. Use “I” statements to help with clarity. “I’d prefer to keep my yoga practice separate from my work life. I’m happy that you’ve found this community, but I need a little space here to focus on my teaching and practice. I won’t be as available to you outside of work, and I wanted to be upfront about that so that intentions aren’t muddled.”
This might be tough for Sue to hear, but directness allows you to state what you need and clears a path for her to process in whatever way she needs to.
Dear Eric: My husband of 15 years suddenly tells me he fathered a daughter outside of our marriage. She is 5 years old.
He wants to bring the child to me to be her mother and bring her up as my own. What disturbed me is he kept this from me for five years. I am deeply hurt and betrayed. Please, how do I handle these situations?
– Betrayed Wife
Dear Wife: There’s a lot to be disturbed by here. First and of chief importance, your husband doesn’t have a unilateral say over what happens to this little girl. Presuming that her mother is still alive, she has legal rights. Whoever has custody of the child currently also has legal rights and responsibilities. If the child is in crisis, the situation is a little different, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Either way, whatever plan your husband has worked out needs to follow the proper channels. This means that a family court or social worker may need to weigh in before the child changes residences. At the very least, a legal custody agreement needs to be reached. If he hasn’t shared any planning of this sort with you, then that’s a good place to start the conversation.
But word one in any conversation needs to be the answer to the question: do you, letter writer, want to raise a child with your husband? I daresay you don’t, at least not right now. You’re reeling from a betrayal that he hasn’t yet addressed, at least not according to your letter. It’s inappropriate and unhealthy to bring a child into a home so rife with conflict and hurt. And even if you weren’t hurt, you still have every right to make decisions about when and how you step into parenthood.
He’s gone about this all wrong and he needs to go back to square one. What does that look like? It starts with an apology, an acknowledgement of what he did wrong and a request for forgiveness. Then, a conversation about the state of your marriage. I’d suggest, at the very least, marriage counseling, to get you both on the same page. And you should explore individual counseling, as well. You have a say here, including a say in whether you decide to stay in this marriage.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)