Dear Eric: I’m worried I’ll lose my longtime friendship. I met S several years ago when we lived closer to each other. She probably is the closest friend I’ve ever had. Her husband, T, sometimes joined us, but mostly it was S and me.
About three years ago, I moved several states away from S. Of course, I miss our friendship. When I have other obligations in her state, I try to stop for a few days.
Her husband now has small cameras indoors and out. I find this a little creepy. I found two in the bedroom I sleep in. I felt like I was being watched all night. It upset me so much, I’m having trouble going back.
I’ve struggled with talking to S about it as it would not only hurt her, but it would also drive a wedge in her relationship with T. I don’t want to be responsible for either one of those things.
I think S would say no to meeting up somewhere neutral. She had planned to come here but it fell through, and she was bringing T. Please help me save this precious relationship.
– Missing My BFF
Dear BFF: You may be taking on too much responsibility for S and T’s relationship dynamics. If a simple request about feeling secure in the place where you’re sleeping hurts her or drives a wedge in her marriage, that’s largely her responsibility. I don’t write this to be callous. But think of what you’re actually asking: you don’t want to be filmed while you sleep. This is not unreasonable in the least.
There may be more complicated dynamics going on between S and T. So, having a friend say, “this made me uncomfortable, and I just want to check in about it,” may give S the opportunity to confide in you or to see things differently. You want your friendship to thrive, but you also want your friend to thrive and if that’s not happening because of her marriage, she needs someone in whom she can confide.
A starter script might come in the form of a check-in: “You really matter to me, and I miss being so close to you. I’d love to visit more but the cameras made me uncomfortable. Can we find a solution?”
Dear Eric: I am an adult woman, who lives several states away from my father. He’s coming to visit me for the first time in years and I’m looking forward to clearing the air with him on some issues from childhood.
When he comes, he will insist on going out to eat at some restaurants as that is one of his favorite things to do. His pattern his entire adult life is to find as much as possible about the service and/or food to complain to the server about and it is embarrassing. He will not stop until the manager basically comes over to kiss his feet.
We’ve confronted him about this before and he says, “if I owned the restaurant, I would appreciate the feedback”. Throughout my childhood this would happen at least twice weekly.
I will no longer be a part of this restaurant ritual he has, especially because I live in a very small town. In the past I’ve tried cooking before he gets a chance to go to the restaurant, but he’ll go anyway and feign ignorance that I had cooked.
How do I talk to him about my new restaurant boundaries when I’d rather prioritize other more important issues we’ve had? He will insist on restaurants while here. I’m worried, if I bring up too many issues he’ll shut down.
– Out to Eat
Dear Out to Eat: You two have a lot to work through, so an agenda of sorts will be useful. And it will be helpful to set it and your expectations for it, in advance.
Part of this intention-setting should involve locations. “I want to talk with you and heal some things in our relationship, and it won’t work to have these conversations in public, like at a restaurant. So, let’s agree to spend time together at my home, and then if you want to go out to eat, maybe we treat that as a time of separate reflection or recharging. I won’t be joining you at restaurants on this trip.”
I understand the struggle to resist someone who is insisting, especially a parent with seemingly overbearing tendencies. But you don’t have to leave your house. He can complain and insist, but here and elsewhere “No” is a complete sentence.
And if you establish beforehand what your agenda is, where your visit will happen and where it won’t, you have something to fall back on. “No, this is what I said I needed. But you go and enjoy yourself.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)