Dear Eric: My sister has a 130-pound dog who is friendly. While celebrating Easter in April, I was sitting on the sofa, barefoot, when the dog approached me and stepped on my right foot and injured it. After five months, I visited the doctor who said that all my nerves in my foot were damaged. He gave me metatarsal pads to wear and cream to see if they help.
The doctor said if my injury does not improve in a month, I will need injections in my foot.
I do not want to visit my sister at her home anymore. I have and will continue to host the holidays at my house but I’m sure she will eventually invite me to her house.
My husband thinks that I am being too dramatic and should visit her when invited. His foot wasn’t injured. What do you think?
– On the Wrong Foot
Dear Foot: Have you talked to your sister about what happened? It may be as simple as having her keep her dog in another room when you visit.
An underlying question is do you want to visit at all? If the dog wasn’t a factor, would you still be reluctant? Maybe you just don’t want to go to your sister’s house.
Start with a conversation. It doesn’t have to involve accusations or even frustration. Think of it this way: you’re telling your sister what you need in order to feel most comfortable in her home.
Dear Eric: I have a comment to add for the person who doesn’t like looking at the
decaying sandbox in their neighbor’s yard (“Sight for Sore Eyes”). If the neighbor doesn’t choose to remove the sandbox, the writer might be able to place one or two large deck umbrellas in the corner of their yard to hide the sandbox from their view.
My husband is a dedicated “collector” of useful items, and our side yard had become an unsightly collection of odds and ends. I bought three wide tilting deck umbrellas in cheerful red and positioned them in my yard to screen most of the clutter from the neighbor’s view.
– Neat Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: You’re so accommodating! I’m glad it all worked out. Others wrote in with similar suggestions, like planting a fast-growing bush. Or offering to pay for and arrange the removal of the unsightly sandbox.
Dear Eric: I’m a 46-year-old man who is on my third career. In my past careers, I have worked myself up from the bottom to middle management roles taking on more responsibilities than I could handle and getting fired after asking for help and having asked for added tasks to go elsewhere. I’m now in a position where I feel stuck. I have no motivation to do anything more than bare minimum and spend each day waiting for 5 p.m.
This attitude has affected my love life as well. I used to go on dates and had a few good relationships that in the end didn’t work out. Now after a few text exchanges and/or dates, I get bored and exhausted.
I’m extremely lonely but I find myself in the same cycle of going through the motions date after date with different people.
Is there a book, exercise or something to help get me out of this rut? I feel like every time I give it my all things fall apart on me and now when I try to put effort into something I have a subconscious fear of going back to square one again.
– Sick of the Cycle
Dear Cycle: It sounds like you’re burned out and quite possibly experiencing depression, which is affecting your motivation. The things that you thought would bring you pleasure, meaning, or fulfillment didn’t deliver – and in some cases, ended up in ways that could be considered failure. It’s no wonder you’re finding it hard to get back into the groove of things.
There are many (too many) books that promise to give you new energy in your work and/or love life. But I find many (too many) only address surface issues, rather than the root problem: a lack of purpose. How do you find purpose? Follow what interests you, ask yourself what’s meaningful to you, volunteer or do acts of service, get involved in a faith community if you’re a person of faith, talk with a counselor, your doctor, or a coach about the lack of direction you feel.
For the time being, don’t look to love or to work to give you meaning. Engage with friends, with social groups, with service organizations as a way of filling your time with other types of meaning. When you find it in other areas, it will change the way you relate to work, to love and to yourself.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)