Dear Eric: I have a friend who has moved several states away but comes back to visit at least once a year. She has many friends in this area, and I know she is busy trying to fit us all into her schedule. When she and I meet for lunch at a local higher end restaurant, we have a couple of drinks, and she always orders steak. We’ve been doing this for 10 years. I started off with picking up the tab. Wouldn’t you think at least one time she would offer to pick up the tab? I know I would if the shoe were on the other foot. It’s not a big thing for me. Just wondering what you think.
– Free Lunch
Dear Lunch: Yes, I certainly would have offered at least once in 10 years. Maybe twice. You and your friend have fallen into a pattern and you’re going to need to be direct to reset it. Ask her, “would you mind getting lunch this time?” The unspoken part can be “because I got the last 10 times.”
Dear Eric: I became friends with “Sue” about 20 years ago; our husbands became friends, too. We would usually see each other for Friday night dinner and drinks.
Eventually they bought a camper and started going out to their camp every weekend. They welcomed us out there, and we went a few times, but it wasn’t ideal for us to spend the night, and it was too far to day-drink and drive home later at night. We hardly saw them during the summer months.
When the camp closed for the season, the Friday nights out would resume but included some of their new camper friends. We weren’t in on their inside jokes, didn’t know the other camper people they would talk about, or sometimes they couldn’t meet us due to plans with the camper friends.
Now they’ve moved to a new campground that stays open year-round, so even in the late fall or early spring they still go up there. We tried to schedule dinner during the week, just the four of us, but the plans didn’t work out due to family commitments that Sue had or her husband’s work schedule.
Sue swears that she misses us and wants to see us like we used to. We were able to do dinner maybe two times last year, and once so far this year. I’ve given up trying to schedule something because it’s frustrating.
Is it time to let go and just accept that the friendship has changed and isn’t a priority for Sue anymore?
– Not Into Camping
Dear Camping: I know it feels like they chose the camp over you, but from the outside it sounds like they made a change in one area of their lives, and it had an unexpected impact in other areas. So, try not to take this personally.
It’s true that what we spend our time on reflects our priorities, but it’s also true that we have a finite amount of time. You made Fridays a priority at one point in your lives, but that no longer works for everyone. Notably, the group dinner with camp friends is something that you’ve opted out of. That’s totally reasonable, but I bring it up only to say that this is less a case of one couple moving away from you and more two couples moving out of sync.
Accept that things aren’t going to be like they were but that there’s plenty of possibility for something new. Their schedules won’t always be this busy, but you both may have to be more intentional – and give longer lead times – in order to stay in each other’s orbits.
Dear Eric: I read and enjoy your column every day. I’m writing about the supervisor who stepped into the role where the work culture needed to change in order to have success, but the new supervisor was getting pushback for any change he/she tried to implement.
I worked in managerial roles for most of my professional life (almost 50 years). I have been asked over the years to step into a leadership role to improve the work situations. My advice, that has always been successful for me, is to empower your staff. Sit down with each one separately and ask them what improvements they see are needed and what suggestions they have.
Meet with them one-on-one frequently. Make them part of the solution and not just the problem. This approach has always been successful for me, earned the respect of my staff and enabled me to turn departments from failure to success … with a happy and engaged staff!
– Happy Supervisor
Dear Supervisor: Love this advice! And it underscores an important idea for every kind of relationship – communication is key.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)