Dear Eric: My bestie is a modern-day pen pal. That is to say I know him on only social media. But we’ve had so many fine chats over the last decade, until recently.
He lives in another country, where personal freedom is strongly protected. I recently told him how bad things are here in the US – not how bad they could be, but how bad they are. Troops in the street, politically motivated firings, racism and more. He replied that he’s not interested in any news whatsoever.
My friend’s country was decimated during WWII, and my parents’ generation did not stand idly by. They fought to free his ancestors and to help rebuild his nation, which is what I would do if this were happening to his country now.
I no longer have a desire to chat with him because I feel like he doesn’t care what happens to us. I don’t know whether to ghost him or explain why I am disengaging. I don’t think I can change his mind. He seems to be sincerely not interested. I’ve been stressing about this for days.
– Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: Not caring about the news is a perverse kind of “luxury” (quotation marks very firmly in place). Not caring does not stop the news from happening to and around you. What’s that quote from one of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies? “You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You’re in one.” Pirates get it.
While I don’t think your friend’s stance is productive, it’s useful for you to think about what you really want from your friend. Are you looking for meaningful political action? Is there something that he can do in his country that will directly impact what’s happening in the United States? Or do you want someone to commiserate and acknowledge the anxiety and uncertainness you’re feeling? I suspect it’s the latter. And, if so, you can tell him – “I’m feeling upset about the way the world’s working right now and as a friend I’d like for you to listen. Can you do that?”
Dear Eric: Our niece (my husband’s brother’s daughter) is expecting her first child. While we are very happy for her, the way she announced her news, and some of her past actions, have affected my feelings toward her as they had directly impacted me, my husband and our kids.
This niece announced her pregnancy to us (via FaceTime, as she doesn’t live locally) at a family birthday dinner that was held for her father’s and our son’s combined birthdays. While my brother-in-law may have been OK with sharing his birthday with his daughter’s announcement, our son was not forewarned nor had any say in how the events unfolded. Apparently, everyone at the dinner knew of our niece’s pregnancy and how she was to announce it, except for us.
To add insult, the birthday “present” our niece gave to her cousin was a faux lottery ticket that once our son had scratched, said “We are pregnant.”
This niece doesn’t visit often due to work but when she does, and they’re always fleeting visits, she never forewarns us, but tells her father, sister, grandparents and friends. We don’t know that she’s in town until she’s already arrived, on the verge of leaving, or after she’s already gone. We’ve asked our niece repeatedly to forewarn us, too, whenever she plans to visit, but she still doesn’t.
Now my mother-in-law has announced that she will be hosting a baby shower for this niece, to which I’ll be invited, and I’m hesitant to show up for someone who seems to have little regard for me or my family. My plan is to decline attending when the official invitation arrives but to send a small gift. At that time, I’ll also explain to my mother-in-law only why I won’t be participating. I’m interested in your thoughts.
– Excluded Aunt
Dear Aunt: While you’re certainly under no obligation to go to the shower, I’m not sure that declining and telling your mother-in-law about your grievances is going to solve your problem. Instead, it’s more likely to pull her unnecessarily into a conflict that doesn’t involve her.
Even if she asks why you’re declining, I don’t see how it serves you to get into the nitty-gritty with her, rather than saying “I just can’t make it work.”
You should decide, however, whether having a conversation with your niece about your differences is going to get you anywhere. If you’d like to have a closer relationship moving forward, and see a path to do so, then it’s worth hashing out your expectations and coming to an understanding. It sounds like some of what she’s doing may not be intentionally rude even though it’s coming across that way to you. Talking it through directly might help.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)