Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married almost five years, and it has been wonderful. Six months ago, we had a major disruption when my 83-year-old father-in-law was diagnosed with dementia. He was admitted to hospice last week. We have no one to help with him, except for a sitter that is draining his wallet.
My husband and I have an 11-year-old daughter, and she and I literally miss him. My husband works during the day and as soon as he gets off, he goes to his dad’s. My husband says I can come there to see him, but my father-in-law’s house is in a flood zone, and the basement is covered with black mold, so I am sort of scared to spend a lot of time there.
We used to spend Sundays going to church and to eat, I miss it so much. I am not trying to be selfish, and I realize this is just a season that will pass. I do not want my father-in-law to pass away, so part of me feels guilt for taking this out on my husband who is just trying to wear all these hats. We had an argument and he told me he has no help, not even me. Let me mention that I am in grad school to get my master’s in social work, so I am not sitting at home doing nothing. Please help?
– Alone at Home
Dear Home: You’re right that this is a season. Moreover, it’s an important one in your husband’s life, in your father-in-law’s and in the life of your marriage; I’d encourage you to rethink how you’re showing up.
Caregiving family members often experience profound isolation, on top of the frustration and grief that can come from watching a loved one decline physically and/or mentally. It can be hard, if not impossible, to find space for self-care or emotional processing. This is difficult for everyone. Your feelings of loneliness are valid, but please put them in context. It’s neither your husband nor father-in-law’s fault that this is happening and it’s not their responsibility to fix it.
This is what life is right now. Your marriage will be stronger if you spend some time reading up on how family members can support those with dementia and those caring for them. The Alzheimer’s Foundation of America is a good place to start. There are likely local support groups or resources for caregivers and families. Try the Family Caregiver Alliance. You may find some helpful perspective in the new book “The Unexpected Journey” by Emma Heming Willis, about her experience as a caregiver for her husband, actor Bruce Willis. The letter below has additional resources.
Dear Eric: This morning, while reading “Caught in the Middle” I raced to the computer to add to your advice about family members who want to come visit despite the letter writer’s spouse’s advancing dementia.
I co-facilitate an Alzheimer’s Caregivers Support group sponsored by the Alzheimer’s Association. I am also the primary caregiver for my husband of 45 years who was diagnosed with the disease 10 years ago.
I would strongly suggest that “Caught in the Middle” not deny relatives the opportunity to visit but encourage them to make video calls before they attempt to visit. It’s during those kinds of calls that his family members will get a better and deeper appreciation for what “Caught” is dealing with, how his dementia is progressing, as well as how they should respond to him if they still choose to visit.
Additionally, I would also encourage every member of his family to begin to educate themselves about this disease. Support groups are life and sanity “savers” for caregivers and family members. Finally, if these family members truly wish to help, encourage them to stay at a local hotel when/if they come to visit or chip in to pay for respite care for “Caught” to get away for a few days.
– Third Time at Bat with Alzheimer’s Disease
Dear Third Time: Such sage advice and wonderful resources. Thank you!
Dear Eric: I have a friend I have known for decades. Normally when we speak on the phone, she talks about her life and concerns at great length. Now, I am growing a little weary that our conversations are so one-sided. What can I say to her to raise her awareness about this, or should I just let it go? Frankly, I have begun shying away from her.
– All Talked Out
Dear Talked Out: Gentle but clear redirection might help. “I’m excited to talk to you about [X] but when we talk, I sometimes have trouble interjecting. It would mean a lot to me if you’d ask me about my life or made space for me to share.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)