Dear Eric: Almost a year ago, my husband, “Bob,” bought a 17-year-old car with 200,000 miles on it from a neighbor, “Jane.” It was in bad shape but ran well.
Last week Bob bought a car with 100,000 miles on it. I put sale ads for the older car on a popular social media site that I know Jane is on, and an ad in the local paper which I know Jane has delivered to her house. We also had the car in our driveway, pointed outward, with a large For Sale sign in it.
Five days after he sold his old car, Jane called me, very upset. She told me they had an agreement of “right of first refusal.” I asked if that was in the papers of sale that they signed. She said it was “verbal.” She was so upset about it and kept me on the phone for 45 minutes.
Later, she texted me a photo of the chicken scratched “contract” she had written out. No dates or names or signatures on it.
When I got off the phone, I asked Bob if they had discussed the right of first refusal. He said absolutely not.
Should I just let it go now? Or should I text her and tell her Bob said there was no discussion of “right of first refusal”? I really don’t want to be the go-between.
– Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: Let it go and don’t engage with Jane about it if she brings it up again. She had emotional attachments to the car, which is all well and good, but emotional attachments and legal agreements couldn’t be more different. Feelings aren’t facts and they certainly aren’t legally binding.
Jane could’ve made this situation less complicated by stating up front, “If you ever decide to sell the car, I’ll buy it back.” (Kind of defeats the point of selling, but everyone’s mileage varies.) She could also have asked Bob for the contact information of the new buyer and reached out directly. She has options. But this is not your problem to solve.
Dear Eric: During Covid I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman out of the country, for nine years! I had a mental breakdown, and it took me a long time to recover. No one noticed because of the social restrictions of the pandemic. I agreed to “putting her in the friend category” while deeply distressed.
He said he wanted to reconcile, and we both went to individual counseling.
My spouse stopped seeing the affair partner and continued to text but send money on a regular basis. He says he has a responsibility to her. There are no children or family ties; this was very secret.
We are now both retired and I have asked him to stop sending our retirement money to his affair partner. He keeps saying this will change when his feelings change and that I am going back on a promise. I feel that I was mentally unstable at the time and that things should change.
I just can’t let this go and heal while he is doing this hurtful behavior.
After 37 years of marriage, it’s hard to walk away, but also hard to accept this situation. Other than this one problem, we get along better than ever and feel like lovers and friends.
How do I get around this problem? How do I resolve these feelings? Because I know I can’t change him.
– Feeling Stuck
Dear Stuck: I’m glad (although, admittedly, surprised) that everything else is going so well in your relationship because your husband’s behavior and responses about his affair partner don’t sound collaborative and that can be poison in a lot of relationships. Regardless, too much of the responsibility for letting go is falling on you.
It seems likely that your husband has become involved in a Romance Scam, a type of fraud wherein a scammer begins an online relationship with a victim with the express purpose of getting money from the victim. The FBI’s website (fbi.gov) has educational resources about these scams and they can be reported to the Bureau’s Internet Crime Complaint Center (ic3.gov).
Whether or not he stops, you need to protect yourself. Because he can’t be trusted with your shared financial resources, it’s advisable to separate the management of your retirement funds, or all your shared assets. Your financial adviser can talk to you about options. But you should also talk to a divorce attorney. Even if you intend to stay together in some capacity, an attorney can walk you through your options for financial and legal separation.
His current behavior doesn’t come across as “putting her in the friend category.” For all intents and purposes, the affair hasn’t stopped. So, this isn’t something you have to accept.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)